Smoke And Mirrors

In case you haven't noticed, I hath completed my bloggy makeover. You like?

Anyhoo - I was browsing my Yahoo news stories and came across a most excellent article. It's about a lady who has sworn off mirrors for a year. Yes, you heard me right. No mirrors for one year.

Let me link her and her blog real quick like. The blog is called Mirror, Mirror....OFF The Wall, and her name is Kjerstin Gruys. Here is the Yahoo article I read.

Now before you double you tee eff me about all this, hear me out.

I love to go out with my friends. I love to go on dates with my husband. I spend lots of time getting ready - makeup, hair, the works. I have just lost about 15 pounds total now, so I have found a whole new wardrobe lurking in the recesses of my basement. I have fun going out now - it's not torture anymore. So to sum up - I have fun going out. I get ready, and I am totally in love with myself. I dance, joke, smile - I live. I live.

Then I look in a mirror. And somehow, always - always! - the image I saw in my head does not match up with what I see.

How I feel vs. what I see

And it's all because I spent too much time reading beauty magazines as a child. Well, not only because - but you get it. The world does not think I am as beautiful as I think I am.


And to that I say - screw you world. I am beautiful. I am gorgeous. My husband adores me, my family loves me - and I need to learn how to do the same. Not because I want to stay overweight and unhealthy - but because I am tired of people I don't know telling me what to think about myself. I'm over it.

airbrushed - nobody looks like that!

So, I am seriously considering not using mirrors for a while. I need to reset how my brain works about myself. I am very curious to see what it does for me.I have a feeling I will learn to love myself - like I always should have.

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Hey, Verizon...Can You Hear Me Now?

It's official. I hate Verizon. Or maybe loathe is a better word. Detest? Hm.

Let me tell you a story.

About two weeks ago my Internet went out. It went out around 11 PM, right after a particularly loud and large thunderstorm. Kind of a normal thing to happen, right?

For me, not so much.

I call. I get told there's no problem with my Internet. I argue, I yell, I hang up, I call again, I yell some more, I get told there's no outage in my area, I yell a lot, I hang up again, I go to sleep, I wake up 2 hours later to put my son on the bus, and I call one more time. I finally get someone helpful and she tells me she'll call me back within the next 2 hours to let me know what's going on. She calls me back and guess what? I have an outage in my area. (Duh.) Wait, it gets better. The place that Verizon needs to go to fix this outage is contaminated by a chemical spill so the EPA has to come clean it up, and in about - oh say... 8 hours my Internet will be back up. I'm not even joking.

That was only the first bit of the story. (and yes, my Internet came back up) There's more, read on....................

So, about 5 days ago my Internet goes down. Again. And I was in the middle of playing World of Warcraft. Exactly. So...much to my (NOT) surprise - I call ye olde technical assistance department to see what the heck is going on and ask if there's a outage in my area.

First call: I get transferred to a department that is no longer in service.

Second call: After about 10 minutes on hold I finally get to speak to a human being. Well, i get to talk at a human being, I'm not so sure that he understands me all that well. Heck, I don't understand him all that well because I'm not well versed in that language of East Indian Accent. We go through all the usual measures - restart modem, reset modem, unplug cable, plug in cable, blah, blah, blah. Bear in mind I had to ask this guy to repeat everything at least twice.

Let me take a moment to point out that I'm not being racist. If you disagree, i don't really care. The fact is, if you can't speak understandable English, do not, I repeat - do not, get a job as a technical assistance representative. Don't. Go work in Billing and Collections, because nobody actually needs to understand you when you're asking them to give you money.

It got so bad, I hung up. I just....hung up on the guy. I couldn't take it anymore.

Call Three: I call back again, to be told by an automated voice that I could be better assisted by such and such a department. I get automatically transferred to a department that's closed. You heard me - closed.

Call Four: See Above.

Call Five: Please refer to Call Three, rinse and repeat for the next 4 calls.

Yeah, I'm just that stubborn.


Call Nine: I finally get through to an actual person that speaks passable English.

For a few blissfully ignorant moments I feel that my questions will be answered and I will resume the video game playing as soon as possible.

Then my little bubble is burst by only a few words. I'll relay my conversation here for you:

Verizon Guy : "I don't see any problem with your Internet connection, ma'am."

 Me: " if there's no problem with the Internet then howcome I can't access the..uh...Internet."

VG: "Did you reset your modem?"

Me: "Yup. And before you ask, I restarted it too. I also unplugged my cable, waited 30 seconds and plugged it back in. I've tried everything."

VG: "Did you unplug your cable?"

Me: "............yes."

VG: "Ok, we're going to go to the start menu, and find the search bar and type in C....M....D."

Me:"yeah, I already did that too."

VG: "Excuse me?"

Me: " I already tried to ping a website from the command prompt box. The response timed out."

VG: "Ok, you need to go to the start menu, find the  - '

Me: "Didn't you hear me? I just did that. I t doesn't work. My Internet is not working."

VG:  "Ok, let me put you on hold and I will run a line test to see if anything is wrong."

Me: "fine."


It doesn't get any better from there. At this point I have been on the phone for another 2 hours, trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with my service. I'm mad. I'm seething. I believe there may have been smoke coming out of my ears. I do not want to have to hang up and call back.

The guy finally gets back on the line and proceeds to tell me that his line test shows nothing wrong with my Internet connection. So, very slowly, in small words, I tell him that I can't connect to the Internet. Therefore, I do not have an Internet connection so his line test is obviously wrong. I proceed to tell him all about the incident a few weeks before, where I spent hours on the phone having everyone tell me my service was good - only to find out 8 hours later that their line tests were - in a nutshell - wrong. I may have been a little condescending, but at this point I just want someone to get their butts over to a computer and find out what the problem is. After a few minutes of this, he tells me he's going to send me to their "Expert Care Department."

You can imagine my surprise. I have never heard of such a thing, but I figure - what the hey? - I might as well try and see if any Experts really Care.


To Be Continued.......

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Sunshine and Happiness

I think I'm really a plant. I seem to use photosynthesis to survive.


After a terribly long, cold and frozen winter - The sun has finally come out. Literally. Well - the rain has come with it, but it's still warm so that's ok.

I find that the sunnier it is, the more I do. I know that's probably true for most people - but for me it's means the difference between 150 lbs. and 300 lbs. Some days I wish I lived in a land of perpetual summer.

Anyway - to get to the point - I stepped on the scale a few days ago and discovered (against all logic) that I had lost almost 10 pounds.

Craziness. How in the heck? Not that I'm complaining, mind you. But 10 pounds - just from sitting on my tushy, eating Creme Eggs? I didn't realize that was possible. But then I got to thinking and figured out I have been slowly eating less and less. Either I'm watching my 10 month old niece, Rosie - or I'm playing World of Warcraft. Each of those activities require both hands, therefore, less time to eat.

So when I saw that number I decided to bite the bullet and start exercising again too. I mean, heck - if I can lose 10 pounds lounging on the couch - I can lose more if I get up and move. So I've been taking my niece for walks around our little cul-de-sac every day. Four times around the little circle - which I think is a bout a half a mile.

I've also been watching what I eat. Not so much what - but how much. And it seems to be working.

Guess I just wait and watch the scale go down now.

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Where Did I Go?

Is it possible to loathe yourself in such a horrific way - that all you want to do is rip your heart from your chest and step on it, so you no longer have to breathe through the pain?

I believe it is.

That's all I feel lately. I have no wit, no charm, no life. I sit here, day after day, a lump on the couch - dreaming of better things, longing for a better life and yet here I sit.

Still.

Every day.

I feel like I'm in glue, I can't move, and I'm sick of wanting to. I'd like to be numb now, please God, so I can sit here without hating myself so much.

I know I'm so much more. So much more. There's more in here than a couch, and the chocolate, and the vicious cycle of eating to fill the void and hating the need to fill it.

I used to see and want and be so much. But I seem to have lost my muchness.

Where did it go?

And when can I stop hating myself? And how do I get off of the FUCKING COUCH?????

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Longest Week

I meant to post this last Tuesday, but it's been a long, sad week.

My cousin, Nicole passed away Thursday, Feb. 24th. She was only 29 years old, and leaves behind a husband and four young children, ages 5 to 12. She had had breast cancer, and had a double masectomy to get rid of it. She was in remission for a while, but the cancer came back - agressively and eventually spread to her whole body. She fell a few weeks ago and collapsed her lung. Because the cancer had spread so far, she was unable to recover. Although her death wasn't unexpected, the whole process happened rather fast and has left me and my family rather upset. She was her mothers only child, and I can't even begin to understand what my Aunt is going through right now. It's a hard situation to deal with all around. Her funeral was Tuesday morning, hence the no posting.

On top of all that, my whole family has been sick for a week. We had strep and me and my son also got impetigo. How thrilling for us all. We spent a week in the house, doing the best we could for my cousin and her family.

So, that's what's been going on. Needless to say, I have not been paying attention to what I eat. if anything, I've been indulging in comfort food. I'll see you all again soon, hopefully in a better mood.

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What If They Were Fat

 

Calista Flockheart

Christina Aguilera

Kate Hudson

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen

Alyssa Milano

Makes you feel just a little bit better, doesn't it?

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You're Not The Boss Of Me Now

I woke up this morning, thinking about food.

Well, to be fair, I fell asleep last night, thinking about food. As usual. And like I said, I woke up this morning - thinking,
"Oh boy, what's in my fridge...I'm starving." (and no, I'm not really starving. I'm to fat to be starving to death, trust me.) Anyway, I raced downstairs to find me some food and the most amazing thing happened.

I stopped and actually thought about what I was going to eat.

And that, my friends - is a miracle. Not a small one either.

I read a post a few days ago at Waisting Time. One of her readers asked her a question - basically, 'what are your goals?' It was a good question, and to be honest - I don't really have any goals other than "Be skinny, dammit!" But one of her responses was this:

I want to control food instead of food controlling me.

And I thought - Woah. Seriously. Not only does food control me, it whips me and beats me and owns my every action. Really - everything I do is based on food. Like, if I have money and want to go out, my brain automatically starts listing my favorite restaurants and what their menus are. What foods haven't I been able to eat lately and which are my favorite ones. I don't think about movies, or bookstores or even clothes shopping. I think about food first.

Or, if I'm depressed I run to the fridge and see what goodies it may be hiding. And I look forward to Holiday feasts with a fervor that is not completely normal.

It only gets worse. I will go to the kitchen, grab the easiest thing to eat (for example..a bag of candy, chips, cookies...get the picture?) and eat a whole bag/sleeve/carton. Then I look down and see an empty bag/box in my hand - it feels like I'm coming out of a small coma - and I think to myself - "Holy crap. Did I really just eat that??" I don't even remember. It's scary.

And eating just one. Or two. Or five of anything is a joke in my house. That's one of the main dieting tips, right? Eat just a few? HA. If I eat one, it usually means I'm going to eat them all. The whole bag. The whole carton. The whole box. There is absolutely zero amount of self control going on here.

So, is food my boss. Yup. But that's got to change. Fortunately for me, I actually thought about it this morning before I ate anything. So I'm going to try and plan out my eating for the whole day. Maybe tattoo it on my forehead. Or my butt - there's more room there.

Anyway, today I start controlling food. I'm going to fire food as my boss. Or technically, I guess I quit - since you can't fire a boss. Hmm, not sure how that works since I've never been a boss...but I'm the boss now! Of food! And I fire it! Wait. I need some food...

Oh crap. Well, I guess I'm just going to start thinking about what I eat and being more careful. No more food marathons at midnight and no more scarfing before thinking.

So now it's time to go make my breakfast (2 over medium eggs on wheat toast and cottage cheese) and be healthy today. About time too, because I'm starving....
 

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