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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

You Know What I Hate?

I used to watch Mad TV. A lot. And on one episode, there was this comedian that would stand up and yell "You know what I hate?" and then follow that with...well, a list of what he hated.

I was making that a regular part of my blog, until I got all peaceful and content and ran out of things to hate.

I'm finding lately that I still hate a lot of stuff, I just had to collect it for a while. So...

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE?

1.
People that, before your impending divorce, were friends with both you and your husband. Then, when they find out you're splitting up (or that he beat your ass and made you and the kids live in a women's shelter while he stayed in your nice house and lived off of Burger King...) they claim that they aren't "taking sides", but then they call you and pressure you to "see his point of view". Hmm...wonder whose side they're on? (and nope - this actually isn't about me)

2.
Facebook walls that are just an excuse for everyone to see how great you are. Or how positive you are because your entire life is just kittens and fluffy rainbows when we all know you watch daytime TV while eating doughnuts by the dozen because Bubba left you for his new girl Bertha May and they ran off to Toledo. Or what a great mommy you are because you bake yummy soy health special goody muffins from scratch for your 3 year old who really prefers to lick peanut butter off a spoon. Or how humble you are because you're praying on your knees 47 times a day because you feel a need to seek God so you can be a better you. I have an idea - stop the holier than thou updates and then you'll be a better you by default.


3. 
When you're at an event....say...your kid tries out a Tae Kwon Do class, and he's never done things like that before, so he looks a little awkward while trying his damnedest. And then every time he does a spin kick you hear a giggle from the side of the room. And just when you realize you can't beat rotten snotty children to a pulp just for sheer joy of seeing them learn a lesson - you turn your head and see 2 adult ladies rotten excuses for humanity sitting there giggling behind their hands and looking at your son. The worst part is, as the moment of awareness hits you and you think you can drop kick an adult without looking like a complete asstard - you figure out that you'll end up in jail for protecting your own kid from morons. What a letdown.

4.
People you invite to see your blog, by every means possible, but they never bother to accept the facebook invite, or follow the link you personally emailed to them. And they never stop by or comment or give you a thumbs up. The worst of it is....most of those people are family. Thanks a lot people who claim to care about me.

5.
 I guess I'll just narrow this down and say: People. They bug me all the time, from the lady who thinks she knows how to raise your kids better than you do, to the people who park grocery carts in the middle of the aisle while looking for Pop Tarts, to the moron who zooms past you only to pull in front of you and slow down to 2 miles under your current speed limit. People are idiots. I think I'm going to go live in a cave now.