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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Dependency

I am sick of people and their crap. I am sick and tired of people telling me to stop depending on everyone else.

For the record, I have made it through my life largely alone. I don't deny that people have helped me along the way, but I have mostly been very much alone.

I have an amazing life right now. I am married to - quite possibly - the most wonderful man alive. He loves me exactly for who I am - stretch marks, bad history, PMS, everything. This man loved me through being chronically depressed, through a bad divorce and worse custody battles, through just about every family issue you can imagine. He has helped not only me, but every single member of my family.

Lately, I have had several of these exact family members tell me that I spend my life depending on others.

If you think that being a stay at home mom is considered depending on others, then you need to either have children, or really raise the ones you have. Being a stay at home mom is a level of work that cannot be explained, only demonstrated. You have to have actually lived it. Nothing else counts. I could give you the long list - changing diapers, making lists, cleaning toys, washing clothes...ecetera, ecetera. I could also try and explain the feeling of being responsible for a little tiny person 24/7, while you're awake, while you're sleeping, while you shop, while you try and relax, even if you manage to get a babysitter - while you're out. It's with you every moment of every day.

Now let me explain something further. I had a very difficult pregnancy, and a difficult delivery. I had to have an emergency C-section. I had a horrible hospital stay, you can read about it in My Story.

Now here's what some of you may not know. My so-called husband (at the time) worked about 30 hours a week at a gas station. He thought he worked oh-so-hard and wouldn't help me. At all. So when my little baby boy cried in the middle of the night, I had to partway roll out of the bed, hold a pillow against my stomach incision, and hobble over to the crib. Then I had to bend over, lift him out, and hobble to the armchair and try and nurse the baby who did not want to be nursed. Then I had to go back to the bedroom, put him to bed and crawl back into my own bed. All as quietly and as quickly as possible so I wouldn't wake up my bi-polar alcoholic (ex) husband. I was alone. As alone as a person can be, maybe more so because someone was there - but wouldn't help me. At all. My younger sister, who partied (she was a teen at the time) helped me out more than anyone else. My mother tried to do what she could, but was married to a crazy (literally - PSTD, schizophrenic) man at the time and wasn't "allowed" to do much to help me. I was on my own. Broke, living in a crappy apartment with plastic chairs and not knowing what to do next. Yeah, I depended so much on everyone - right? You know what - it didn't even occur to me to ask for help, because I just thought that since I was the mother, it was my job. And you know something - I believe I was right about that. To much help renders you helpless.

And when the aforementioned jackass ex husband decided to pick up and leave me - I was left with a little toddler and no income. I was also left with a month of debt, because he had decided he need the money - for drinking and cigarettes. So what did I do? Let me see...I got a job. Waitressing at Pizza Hut. I had to ask family members to watch my son, so if you consider that depending on people - fine. I also found my son daycare when my family could no longer help. And I did all the mom stuff. All of it.

There's more. Ever since I've been on my own, I have been there for every single family member - aside from one brother who lived across the country. I have had my brother, my 2 sisters, my mother and my father all live with me at one time or another. I have driven to WV from NY 2 times to help my brother, Luke. I have lived with Luke on and off since I was 18. When my one sister was living in (what looked like) a crack house, I took her with me to WV to get her away. She also lived with me right after I had my son, because she had no where else to go. I gave her my son's room. My father got kicked out of his house of 17 years by his witch of a girlfriend and he came to live with my sister, then me. My mother was in a situation with her husband a year ago - where he tried to kill her. And who did she live with? Yup - you guessed it, me.

I have been there for people to borrow money from, I have given my last dollar from my bank account. I have given people rides, offered my car, taught people to drive - and not once said that I couldn't afford the wear and tear on my car. I have babysat, grocery shopped, cleaned, taken depressed people on vacation, gone to the hospital, stayed in the hospital and generally have done everything I can to help.

I have had people be there for me, of course I have. But I don't expect it, and I certainly don't get angry when no one is there. I do it myself, because I have to.

What this boils down to is - I don't expect people to watch my kids so I can go upstairs and do paper work. (if that person is reading this..I know that that was the old you!) I don't expect people to watch my children so I can go to sleep - at night - because I don't like to sleep in the day. I do what I have to do because I'm a mother. And I most definitely certainly do not depend on everyone else to do it for me.

In my eyes, I have earned the right to be happily married, and have a good, stable, happy, easy home life. If you think otherwise, then you must not really love me or care about me. If you think that everything I have ever gone through was fun, and therefore don't deserve a happy ever after ending, then you must either be jealous, calloused or insane. And that hurts me to think that any one of my friends or family would be that way towards me. I love my family, and I would help any one of them any instant of any day. But right now I am angry, and tired, and just plain mad. And hurt. It sucks to be hurt.

4 comments:

  1. Thank you for opening up like that. I haven't had all the experiences of you, but I too got tired of my "extended" family and they way they treat me. I finally (just this year, age 53) decided, enough is enough. I don't hang out with them. I can't. They became too toxic for me. I had to do it to keep my sanity.

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  2. i stayed home raising nathan and at times had to ask for help - which was always given to me - but i was also there to help others - i commend you lorikate - being a mom is the best job in the world and it goes by so fast - don't let others ruin this for you by their selfishness - love you lots

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  3. Hopefully something didn't happen to bring all this up! Keep your chin up!

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  4. We all feel this way at times - with lists of all we've done for others that so quickly seems forgotten. I know I do! :(

    But as we do it all as unto the Lord, it will never be forgotten. God is faithful to reward. I love you and appreciate all you have ever done. You deserve every blessing you now have!

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Be nice. Or I will find you and sic my pet zombie on you.