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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Subway, Brothers, Gertie and Teeny Boppers.

So much time, so little to do.

Wait - strike that, reverse it.

But I do have time to tell a funny story. So let me begin -

About a week ago now, me and my brother decided to go to Subway for a little bit of nutritious lunch. After a long day of appointments and registering for college and what not, we thought we deserved a treat. So, as tired as we were - we went into our neighborhood friendly Subway.

Except, it weren't so friendly. I ordered my sub, no problems. Then my brother orders his. He gets the same thing every time, chicken bacon ranch, with lettuce, tomato, green peppers and cucumbers. He got a six inch this time and was getting his cucumbers put on, and he asks for extra. Two paper thin quarter size cucumbers weren't gonna cut it.

The employee - I didn't catch her name, so I'll call her Gertie (cuz that's what she looked like to me - 5 feet tall, short grey curly hair, glasses...) decides to get a preemptive snotty attitude, slap on some cucumbers, and says:

"Oh, we have to charge you for extra cucumbers."

My brother had a 'o rly?' look on his face and asked - when that had started?

So Gertie says: "That's the owner's policy, we have to charge you."

This woman picked the wrong day to get on my brother's bad side, because it all went down hill from there. It went a little like this -

Luke: "For 2 little tiny cucumbers?"

Gertie: "Yup. That's the policy. Sir."

Luke: "Oh yeah? Then I don't want them, put them back"

Gertie: "Whatever you want sir. (throws cucumbers back in bin) Anything else you would like with that, sir?"

Luke: "Oh yeah. Let me have some tomato."

Gertie: "Ok, anything else?"

Luke: "Mmmhmm. Throw some green peppers on there."

Gertie: "Anything else?"

Luke: "Ok, I'll take onions." (Luke never eats onions)

Gertie: "Anything else? Sir?"

Luke: "Yup, banana peppers."

Gertie: "Ok, anything else?"

Luke: "Pickles."

Gertie: (who is beginning to see where this is going) "Anything else?"

Luke: "Yup. what are those? Jalapenos? Put some of those on there too. Anything else I can throw on this sucker?"

Those were his exact words. I swear. He asked for every single vegetable - one at a time, mind you - and his voice got louder with each veggie. I had figured out what he was up to by this time and was at the end of the counter shaking with laughter. Gertie looked so ticked off, and her face got more and more snotty with each veggie she put on. I think she would have spit in his sub if she had had a chance. Good thing you actually watch the subs being made.

By now, everyone was beginning to watch and new customers were coming in. So Luke decided to try and make a point, and asks (loudly) why was it he could have "every vegetable in sight for free, but couldn't have two extra cucumbers for free?" And Gertie says again , "It's the owner's policy" and Luke says "What was he thinking of?" and Gertie gets her panties in a twist and says "She. Not He." as condescendingly as she can. So Luke is all like "She? That figures."

So I pay for the subs and I think we're all done.


Luke asks for the manager and this little blond teenager comes over and says "I'm the manager." Well - at this point, Luke's mad, I'm laughing and Gertie is huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf. And Luke takes one look at the teenager manager, and laughs. Out loud. I did too. I mean, she couldn't have been more than 19 years old. Then it got really good. Luke asks in a stage voice -

"Where's the garbage can so I can throw away all this crap on my sub that I don't want?"

And Teeny Bopper Manager tells him it's by the door - and he goes to throw all the extra veggies away. He doesn't just nicely toss them away, he picks off one thing and chucks it in the garbage as hard as he can, then the next, and the next. Half of the veggies are falling all over the floor and Teeny Bopper Manager is saying over and over, like a broken record - "You can leave anytime you want to, sir." She must have said it about 8 times in 2 minutes. And he would say back "Yup. I know I can, I know can if I want. But I don't want to yet."

He finishes throwing away all those vegetables, and as a parting shot says:

"I just cost you way more money in vegetables than two lousy cucumbers would have cost you."

Exit Stage Left.

It was beautiful. I'm laughing as I type this, it was so funny to see. If they had just been nice, or smiled, or apologized. Anything but get snooty and condescending. Things may have turned out better. As it stands though, I'm glad he gave them a good what for and made them uncomfortable. I had never been treated that badly in my whole life. I will never go back to that particular Subway ever again.

He went to a different one about 3 days later and got extra cucumbers for free.


  1. hilarious - i could picture luke doing it as if i was there - thanks for the laugh - i needed it

  2. HAHAHAHA...that's GREAT! I just don't understand how these people stay in business with rules and service like that. I'm glad your brother made his point but sorry he didn't get his extra cucumbers.

  3. Good on your brother! That's ridiculous - reminds me of why my little sister never orders a plain cheese sub from Subway, because she gets charged full price for four of those tiny little triangles of cheese on a sandwich - and I'm glad he stuck up for himself and made his point.

    Although can't imagine for the LIFE of me why ANYBODY would want extra cucumbers on anything. ;)

  4. This was funny when you guys told me, and it's still funny hearing it again. Sometimes I wonder where the customer is in 'customer service.' Thanks for posting this story babe, I love it (and you).

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  6. I read this whenever I need a REAL good laugh! You kids keep me in stitches!!!!

  7. I just read this again to your Uncle Don (because he had this happen with Jalapenos - only a little bit differently -- in that I had paid for the subs and then they made him pay an extra 28 cents for the "extra" Jalapenos because he was in line behind me -- even though I had already paid AND had the subs in my hand!) We've never gone back to that subway, either =P P.S. Whenever I need a really good laugh all I have to do is come back to your blog -- and this is one of my favorites!!


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