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Monday, June 21, 2010

You Know What I Hate?

1. Wal-Mart and their parking lots. If I don't get killed trying to park, then I get run over by the the big fat woman glaring at you because you're taking to long to look at shampoo. Then you get to stand in line, wait for the pimply faced teenager to throw your eggs in the bag, whine if you ask him to bag your gallon of milk, and listen to him sigh when you ask him to come and scan the ginormous packs of bottled water in the bottom of your cart.

After all that, you get to try and cross the walkway while avoiding all the old people who don't know what a stop sign is, get your groceries stuffed in the car, and try back out of your spot without getting clipped by the redneck who thinks Wal-Mart is a race track. Oh, the fun.
Wal Mart is evil.

2. Hypocrites. I"m talking about the ones who are all nicey-nice to your face and talk crap behind your back. I thought I had cleaned those people out of my life - but they just keep popping back up like pimples on your butt. Both of those things - hypocrites and butt pimples - need to be popped. End of story.

3. All You Can Eat Buffets. Those things were built to make you feel like crap. If you're fat - then it's a black hole of stuff-your-face that never ends, unless you can't fit in the booth. If you're trying to lose weight - then it's still a black hole of stuff-your-face, only now you feel guilty about it. And if you're skinny - then you just paid fifteen bucks for lemon flavored lettuce and water. yay. I can do that for fifty cents at home.

4. Thank You cards. Since when did saying "thank you" become not enough? I opened the present, said thank you ,gushed a little, and moved on. Now I have to buy cards, write them all out, figure out all the addresses and who gave me what, and then I have to pay to say thank you? Uh, No Thanks.

5. And while we're on the subject, I hate Christmas cards. Not getting them, or even sending them out - that's not too hideous. I'm talking about the obligatory "my family is better than your family" yearly family letter. This is what I'm gonna write this year:

Dear People I Barely Know,

This year was ok. I got married last year, (by the way - thanks for the gifts) and it's been pretty good. I ate a lot of cake, got real fat, hate housework. I don't do my dishes often, and I wear the same shirt until it stinks or I spill kool-aid on it. I'm dealing with my in-laws a little better - but maybe it's because I don't feel like peeling my butt off of the couch to go and actually talk to them much. My family is fine, my kid sister got knocked up by some pissant little peckerwood that I can't stand. I may sic my husband on him - if the hubby can be convinced to put down the Xbox 360 Controller. We sit around all day, eating cheese and collecting food stamps. I was going to trade them for money - but my mom doesn't have any. We're all broke, but no one cares much because no one moves very much. We can sit around at home just as easily with money as without it. My kid is doing ok with school, and looks like a leftover hippie because he refuses to get his hair cut. I'm waiting until he gets lice so I can shave his head and be done with it. So, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Until next Christmas, LK and fam.

That would be funny. I exaggerate (I think) - but you get the point.

6. Humidity. As if I didn't feel fat and sweaty enough - I walk outside and there's already a layer of moisture in the air. Makes me want to stay inside and write thank you cards. Kinda.

15 comments:

  1. OMG, I'm so with you on the Walmart. The one I go to has the stupid cart returns clear in the hell out in the boondocks. F-ers.

    I also am tired of the 2 faced rat-bastards out there.

    Thanks for the post. I needed it today.

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  2. LOL Great post today, the Wal-Mart comments are so true. Thanks for the laughs, I needed them today!

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  3. Okay... I agree on several, but have to say that I am a big believer in thank you notes (or email or phone calls) and I do love the Christmas letters, even if they are bragging and poorly written. I love that little update from friends I have not seen in years.

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  4. What more needs to be said, this was truly a RANT : )

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  5. Nice sample Christmas letter... sometimes I feel like that too!

    ~Margene

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  6. I am SO sending you a copy of my mother-in-law's Christmas newsletter this year.
    And you are right on all points of your rant.

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  7. You so crack me up Chickie!!!!

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  8. Love your family letter :) Sounds a little too much like my family...

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  9. hahhahhahhaa!! #6 is the BEST!

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  10. I'm cracking up at the Christmas letter! Sending that out will show you who your true friends are in a hurry!

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  11. amen sistah. you get to wear the prettiest choir robe today.

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  12. Dear Flabby McGee,
    Please write some more. I need more funny in my life. Okay, maybe I can't get enough funnies, EVER, but I would like more of your brand.
    Sincerely,
    a hypocritical Mrs. Happy Pants.

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  13. hilarious! i'd love to find a christmas card with that message in my mailbox. keep it real, people!

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Be nice. Or I will find you and sic my pet zombie on you.